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Bruxelles

April 24, 2010

OMFGIMGETTINGFRUSTRATED….with WordPress. If there’s alignment or spacing problems below, all the blame needs to go to stupid WP, not me. I have tried to fix it in any way that I can. Anybody like their blogging platform better? Grr..Arrgh…proceed…..

It was recently brought to my attention what year it was. And it was also brought to my attention that I used to live in Europe. And combined, I realized that it’s been 10 freaking years since I lived in Belgium. Holy shitballs. It seemed not so long ago…

Here I am fresh off the plane in Brussels, Belgium. I’m actually really drugged up in this picture, my Mom slipped me a roofie or something so I could get some sleep on the ridiculously long plane ride.

Belgium was great. I remember as I was waking up from my rape drug, just listening to all the differences from my bed thru the open window. The horns on the cars sounded different, the shouts of people were in different languages, and the thing that killed me was the sirens! Oh god, it was just like a movie…I don’t know if it was police or ambulance, but it was awesome.

This park was behind the American Embassy, where we lived for a short time. Every day, I went here and probably wrote stupid poetry or something. It was pretty.

The view from our apartment. That big spire-y thing in the middle there? Why yes, that IS a prison!

This is the Grand Place. Or Gran Platz, or Grote Markt. This square is honestly the prettiest square I saw in Europe. Each house is a Guild House, and each is constructed to represent it’s guild. There’s AMAZING architecture, interesting shops, and a building that had columns made of penises.

Maison des Brasseurs, No 10 Grand Place

See? Isn’t it preeeetty?

I had never thought of ever even visiting Belgium let alone living there, so I didn’t know anything about it. They make chocolates or something, right? As I soon found out, Belgium has a lot of specialties, and they seem to think they’re the only country in the world who does these right:

Beer.

I’ll will happily give them this, I’ve had better biers in Belgium than anywhere else. Even Stella (which is now available everywhere in the US now) was good. My favorites were Leffe Blonde, Kriek, and Hoegaarden. Most of those you can get here now, which is super awesomeballs.

Chocolate.

Hmmm…not so much. I LOVE chocolate. I really really do. But I never really even liked Belgian Chocolates. They taste like they have some extra ingredient that makes them taste different than Swiss or German chocolate. I’m sorry, I just like Hershey’s better. Blasphème, Sacré bleu! Oui Oui!

Mussels.

Mussels from Brussels. Y’know, I can’t weigh in on these, because I did not eat them while I was there, nor have I ever. I guess they’ve always looked like little black vaginas with some sort of STD pouring out of them. I did, however, eat ESCARGOT out of a BIN OF PLASTIC CLOUDY WATER at the Bier Festival. I was pretty drunk, clearly. I didn’t get sick…no, yeah I did, but that might have been the massive amounts of beer I had.

Lace.

It’s string, right? It’s intricately woven and shit. Can’t they do that everywhere? Don’t they? Shit, my Mom did it when I was a kid. I guess it’s kinda pretty, but my Mom bought like 10,000 pieces of lace while living there, and I don’t recall seeing any of that shit out in her house now.

Tapestries.

Holy f-balls they love their tapestries. I guess having tapestries up on the walls makes you feel more regal, since castles and shit have them up all over…but the one tapestry I have from Brussels…it looked wildly out of place between my “Oh, Shit!” and my Life of Brian poster. Don’t give me crap for the aforementioned wall decor…I was in my early 20s. Assholes. And I still think the shit poster is rad.

Waffles.

Ok everyone knows Belgian waffles are the best, even if all you know of Belgian Waffles is that belianwaffleimposter you get at IHOP. What I didn’t know until I went to Belgium is that there are such things as waffle stands, and waffle peddlers all over the damn place. But don’t expect syrup…these are served straight up, and you’re lucky if you can find a waffle-man who adds a sugar coating to his waffle press…The subways of Brussels actually smell GREAT because of their waffle dealers, even though the patrons are predominantly French, and we all know the French don’t bathe. Want to go to hell? Go to Paris in the summer…Frenchies sweating all over the damn place. Blech.

Frites.

It’s a Frite Disaster! This is a toss up. The frites all over north western europe were amazeballs. There are frite stands and frite restaurants. At the restaurants, you usually get a large choice of toppings. That is toppings, not dippers. You know what’s NOT gross? Mayonnaise on frites.You get your frites either on a plate or in a cone, covered in whatever topping you choose. And you eat them with a fork. A small frite fork, or some kind of jabby thing.

I loved my time in Brussels. I still think of it as home, and I can’t wait to go back. Even if there are gypsies everywhere running around washing your windows and throwing babies at you.

I’ll bore you all with more pictures from my other European travels in the future….stay tuned!!

(misspelling of the world belian waffle was on purpose, and the term frite disaster is a family joke that should be shared worldwide…proceed)

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Adriane permalink
    April 26, 2010 5:01 pm

    Hahaha – oh, Belian waffle. That was Florida, right? We were going to eat at some Goofy themed Disney World restaurant and you wanted Belian waffles.

    Oh, and YOU’RE a frite disaster!

  2. April 28, 2010 6:24 am

    honestly, what’s better than living in a country known for it’s beer and french fries? Sign me up. Leave out the herpes infested sea clams. I think I just vomited up my v8 splash reading that.

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